


she's got lions in her heart, a fire in her soul

by directionone



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Internalized Homophobia, Lesbians, Lesbophobia, Sexuality Crisis, if u like willhell/noorhelm this is not the fic for u tbh, lesbian noora, mari is also a lesbian and shes dating iben, noora is a lesbian who got fucked over by compulsory heterosexuality, nooreva if you squint, theres like one mention of evak
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-26
Updated: 2017-04-26
Packaged: 2018-10-23 21:09:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10727298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/directionone/pseuds/directionone
Summary: “I- I think I like girls Eskild,” and she’s expecting it to feel like a huge weight has been lifted off her chest but it doesn't, she only wants to cry even more because now she can’t ever take it back."The fic where Noora is a baby lesbian suffering from so much internalized lesbophobia and Eskild takes her to meet one of his out and proud friends, Mari.Written for lesbian visibility day April 26th.





	she's got lions in her heart, a fire in her soul

**Author's Note:**

> Just a warning, this fic contains an incredible amount of internalized lesbophobia. Title is from superheroes by The Script.

The moment Noora thinks she knows for sure, she still doesn’t know for sure. She thinks about when she kissed William and how his hands under her shirt felt cold and rough and his mouth was slimey and she wants to cry again. She thinks about how there's no boy who has ever made her feel any kind of good and her skin crawls and her vision gets blurry around the edges again. It's how she sneaks into Eskild’s room with the dark still lingering outside and lays herself down at his side. He doesn’t wake up but just his presence is comforting enough for now. In another life, she thinks, she would have liked boys and Eskild would have liked girls and, maybe just maybe, they could have dated and she wouldn't have to feel like this. She doesn't have time to think more before Eskild nestles his head against her neck and she vows to herself to only rest her eyes for five minutes. In Noora’s dreams she sees auburn hair splayed out on the pillow next to her and she wants to reach out and touch it. She thinks it looks like the girl next to her has gold attached to her head and it’s so beautiful and her breath catches in her throat because she knows it's not normal, it’s not normal to have these thoughts about girls, about your friends.

She wakes up to Eskild’s fingers scratching her scalp and she sighs; she never meant to sleep this long, but she knows that if Eskild already woke up there’s no stopping this conversation. He’s sitting with his back propped up against the wall and for a silent moment she thanks god he stopped sleeping naked when he realized she was coming in and sleeping with him when she needed someone. When Eskild stops scratching her scalp and starts braiding her hair instead he asks, “Oh Noora, vennen, what is it this time?” And for a moment she considers lying, saying she’s still thinking about how she’s mad at herself for letting herself get dragged along by William and all his antics even though she rationally knows it’s not her fault, it’s not. But she still can’t stop thinking of the girl in her dream, of the girl she saw yesterday in the grocery store that made her heart jump and instead of saying anything she moves closer against Eskild, she takes deep breaths until Eskild is done with the braid, she knows she’s going to have to detangle it later in the bathroom mirror but she needs the time to _breathe._

“I- I think I like girls Eskild,” and she’s expecting it to feel like a huge weight has been lifted off her chest but it doesn't, she only wants to cry even more because now she can’t ever take it back. She tries to move away because _god, she knows Eskild is gay but it’s different and he probably feels disgusted now_ but she’s held back by Eskild’s arms and she’s so scared and Noora tries so hard to love herself at all times but it’s just so hard when she’s like this. She feels like she’s falling, like she has been since she was born, like there’s not a single person in the world who loves her, especially not herself. But how could anyone? She likes girls, she wants to kiss them, she wants to have sex with girls and she’s just as bad as all those companies and men who objectify women and she can’t stop crying. Noora imagines herself with a shark like smile, smiling down on her friends as some big predator. But suddenly Eskild is there again, and he’s holding her shoulders tight and saying “Noora, Noora, vennen min, breathe. It’s okay come on breathe with me,” and he’s breathing slowly in and out and it helps. They lay still like that for several moments and Noora briefly wonders if Eskild is going to be able to get his fingers out of Noora’s hair when they want to get out of Eskild’s bed.

“Noora, you know you’re not alone right? There are loads of girls who like girls out there, girls who want to kiss other girls, girls who marry other girls - plus, being not straight is honestly a great fucking thing, Nooramor.” and Noora can feel Eskild’s pride for who he is when his fingers tighten in Noora’s hair and she really truly wishes she could feel like that. She even lets herself float for a while, lets herself imagine a future where she’s holding a hand with nicely shaped long, yellow painted nails, where the arm that the hand is attached to leads to a bright girl with long coppery hair and suddenly her stomach is dropping again. There’s no time to hate herself though, because Eskild is sitting up and announcing that he’s hungry instead and Noora’s mind is shifted from the bright girl.

 

Eskild makes tea and Noora grabs the bread and they make their own sandwiches. Eskild’s are toasted and with jam and cheese and Noora puts mashed avocado on hers instead of butter, she sits down and it’s only ten but she feels like she’s been doing enough thinking for the rest of her life already- actually, maybe for like ten whole lifetimes. Eskild sits down opposite of her with his phone in his hand saying “Noora, vennen min, after you finish your breakfast I’m going to show you the number one gay movie. It’s totally mandatory to have watched it and we’re going to cuddle all day.” And there’s something in her chest again, she has to put the sandwich down and just breathe again and god, she’s getting really tired of feeling like this. She wishes she could stop the little twinge of pettiness she feels when she thinks about how open Eskild is about it. About how Eskild is practically a walking commercial for the pride parade and then the jealousy comes. She imagines life where she is fully comfortable in herself and it kills her that this is so hard for her. There’s nothing wrong with liking girls, she knows that, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being a lesbian, but there’s still something inside her that revolts at the idea that she might be one. Noora only manages to eat a sandwich and a half, but she can’t eat anymore right now and there’s nothing she can do to change that even if she wishes.

 

When they lay down on the couch Eskild keeps talking about how amazing this movie is and Noora, who stopped listening about half a minute ago, just gets lost in her own thoughts again. She is abruptly pulled back to reality the moment Eskild puts his arm around her waist and pulls her closer and Eskild is strong, he has big hands but they feel warm. There’s nothing about Eskild that wants anything back from her and she wishes she could stop thinking about William. She knows William did her wrong, so wrong, but she can’t stop feeling like maybe, if she had tried harder to like it when he kissed her, if she had listened more when he spoke, if just she had been a better girlfriend, it would have worked out. Sometimes Noora wonders if Eskild can read her mind, because as soon as she starts spiralling again one of his hands is back scratching at Noora scalp and the other one is laying on top of hers and it’s so weirdly comforting to melt into Eskild. As they’re watching Pride, Noora begins to understand why Eskild loves this movie and if she cries for the entire second half of the movie it’s only because she’s had a rough day.

After the movie Noora is fast asleep and when she wakes up again she’s in her bed instead of on the couch and she silently thanks Eskild before she goes back to sleep.

 

The following week Even keeps inviting Noora to watch a movie with Isak and him. When she finally says yes he plops a movie into the dvd player and Noora just sits down on the couch. “But I’m a Cheerleader”. Even talks about all the details and Noora can see Isak roll his eyes fondly at him and she wishes she had something like that.

 

“Noooooora,” Eskild whines, “you should come with me tonight. Please, there’s someone I really want you to meet. Plus Noora, it’s just tea, I swear there’s not gonna be a single drop of alcohol there.” And Noora pretends to think long and hard about it. But she knows she has lost the fight when she starts thinking about what shirt she could wear with her ripped black jeans. She wishes she had time to curl her hair but Eskild is practically out the door and she’s happy because it means she doesn't have any time to think about how she shouldn’t think about how Eskild’s friends are going to view her. They get on the bus towards the centre of Oslo; the ride isn’t that long, only twenty minutes, but Noora feels like the ground is disappearing under her. She tries to take the word “queer” in her mouth but it burns like acid instead and suddenly her own skin feels too small and she wishes she could crawl out of her own body, until Eskild grabs her hand and rubs his thumb over hers in small circles. Noora rests her head on Eskild’s head and once again she thinks about the other life where she likes boys and Eskild likes girls and she’s a nice girl who attracts nice boys like Eskild. Instead Eskild reaches out and presses the stop button. She feels safer than she did before; Eskild may be insensitive at times but he would never bring her anywhere harmful and she trusts him.

 

The house Eskild leads her to is actually not that big but it seems to tower over Noora in a way. She’s probably the most nervous she has ever been, at parties she can hide in the background when her friends drink and then make sure Eva gets home safely but here she’s not going to have anywhere to hide. Eskild is always in the centre of attention and he’s going to drag Noora in there with him. She only has time for one last breath before Eskild calls her name and she has to walk inside. People obviously recognize Eskild right away, everyone’s saying hi and Noora’s head starts spinning again at the possibility that Eskild leaves her all on her own right here in the middle of somewhere. She wishes she belongs but she doesn't, not right now. In her mind she knows Eskild would never leave her, and the way he hooks his arm into hers and makes sure she’s with him every step he takes makes sure she knows. All of a sudden Eskild lights up and he starts speeding and Noora struggles a bit to be able to keep pace and when she looks around she sees Mari. Her mind immediately goes to William before she can stop herself and she feels like she burnt herself on tea she hasn’t even had yet just because Mari is sitting there with a big cup in front of her. Mari looks excited and so does Eskild because he sits down on the chair next to Mari and Noora sits down straight across from them both instead. “So Noora, this is Mari, you might have met already. She went to Nissen too. But now girls, I’m leaving you to get some tea.” The feel of Eskilds hand on her shoulder lingers when he leaves and suddenly the panic is back.

“You’re still rocking the red lip I see. It looks really good on you.” Mari smiles at her like she truly means it and for some reason her stomach doesn't turn like it did the last time she said the same thing. Noora feels safer already. The way Mari’s hand curls around her tea cup with nails the same shade as Noora’s lipstick reminds her that they probably have more in common than she think. and for the first time since she stepped in this building the ground underneath her feet slows down and she can smile back at Mari.

The conversation flows easy after that, they talk about Nissen and how second year screws everybody over but Noora even more. When they get up to get tea Mari checks her phone. She smiles so hard when typing a text Noora wonders who could make Mari smile like that until Mari looks up and says, “Sorry, my girlfriend is having some trouble with our cat. The cat was mine before we moved in together and she’s trying really hard to get him to love her as much as he loves me even though I had a head start.” Right there and then something inside Noora breaks because Mari is this beautiful, radiant girl that she misjudged at first, and she has a girlfriend, and a cat, and she lives with them, and it’s the future Noora wants so badly. Suddenly it seems a little more achievable; it’s still not in her orbit, but she can see it out there, at the edge of the universe.

Noora lets Mari make her tea while she tells her about her girlfriend with a really big smile on her face. “... and she makes the best coffee when I have to get up early and leave for work because she’s a software developer so she can work from home and she constantly tries to bribe our cat with treats and- oh your tea is done.” Mari holds the cup out for Noora to take. She gladly accepts it and thinks back to when she removed her lipstick when Mari said it was nice and Noora kind of wants to cry again, because Mari had done absolutely nothing even slightly malicious to her and if she had talked to her earlier maybe she could have saved herself from at least a few months of hell. But Noora knows she can’t change time, so she tries to shake the thoughts off which is why she almost flinches away when Mari carefully brushes her fingers over Noora’s. “Noora, baby, this is something i’ve been thinking a lot about.” Mari’s hand moves and Noora releases her tea cup to let Mari hold her hand just like Eskild does. “And I just want to say sorry for not realizing what was going on between you and William even when you came to me. I had completely forgotten how awful William can be . That boy truly has his charm going for him, but then you know, abusers often do.” Mari’s hand holds her steady and without it Noora’s pretty sure she would have floated away, far away, and not to her good place. It’s like getting it on paper that William did her wrong, and she knows he did, Eskild has told her enough times but hearing Mari apologize over it makes her want to cry because it wasn’t Mari’s fault either.

Noora trust Mari she decides, there’s something about Mari that makes her long so much for what she wishes she had. That something is what makes Noora erupt, and suddenly she’s just like Eyjafjallajökull, just throwing all her thoughts about William at Mari just like the ashes from the volcano and she’s really anxious about how it’s gonna set into the air around them. But she still tells Mari about how she hated herself a little more after every time she had met with William, how she hated it when he tried to make it seem like all her beliefs were something awfully childish she should let go of and she constantly felt the need to defend herself. Mari’s hand squeezes Noora’s extra hard when Noora talks about how she’s not even sure if she liked William, but it felt good that he thought she was pretty, and she felt like she was finally good enough when William started to chase after her. She felt like her only worth was in how William saw her and the attention it got her. When Noora’s words start to end they sit in silence and Mari is squeezing her hand every so often No matter how much Noora worried about the ashes of her words, it doesn't feel bad. Mari makes her feel safe when she smiles like that and Noora is, no matter how hard she tries to deny it, always looking for someone who seems to know what they’re doing because she for sure doesn't.

Mari picks her own cup up with the hand that’s not holding Noora’s and takes a big sip, when she puts it down Noora can see how her chest goes up and down slowly. If Noora didn’t know Mari as this fearless girl who dares to tell strangers she’s just met that she has a girlfriend, she would say Mari is nervous. “Eskild told me you were having some trouble Noora, you can tell me about anything you want but I just want you to know I’m always here to listen. Going through stuff like that is normal for girls your age! Especially for girls who likes girls. I should know, I’m a lesbian.” Noora is waiting for the world to start spinning again, and it does, but only a little. It’s like Mari’s hand is grounding her. If she couldn’t feel Mari’s warmth against her skin as a constant reminder she was still existing, Noora thinks she would have cried. 

Noora decides she doesn't have time for this right now. Here is Mari sitting right in front of her being so unashamed about liking girls and Noora admires her a lot. Noora looks at Mari and wishes she could be like her, that she could help other young girls, and then she decides. If she never helps herself, how is she gonna help other girls? So she lets herself open up, Mari will tell her if she crosses a line. “How did you realize you didn’t like boys, Mari?” Because liking girls is easy, girls are pretty and they smell nice. But not liking boys? that’s something Noora doesn't dare to do. 

“Well I can’t pinpoint an exact moment, it was definitely more of a process to accept that I liked girls and only girls. Like when I was younger I used to think you could choose which boy you crushed on but it was really just because I wasn’t crushing on any of them, I just fixated myself on one.” Noora thinks about how she feels when boys touch her, about how she has never crushed on a boy who didn’t show interest in her first. “But there is no right or wrong way, I know I struggled a lot with using the label lesbian to describe myself at first but now I love it.” And knowing that Mari struggled too makes Noora feel like maybe it’s not only her. 

 

Several hours later she’s sitting next to Eskild on the bus again, but her heart is calmer, she has got Mari’s phone number right before Eskild swept her away with the threat of the last bus leaving and they having to walk home. Noora really liked Mari. Mari is the kind of secure in herself Noora wishes she was. Mari sent her a bunch of flower emojis so that Noora would have her number too and Noora feels calm when she’s looking at them. She smiles at Eskild instead. Noora loves Eskild with all her heart, and she’s so grateful he could figure out exactly what she needed even when she didn’t have the words to ask for it. Eskild might play around a lot but she knows Eskild would do whatever is needed for his friends and Noora is the most thankful.

After several coffee dates with Mari pushed in under just a few weeks, Noora has learnt more than she ever did in school or at any other place. She is starting to try out the label lesbian for herself in her head, it feels nice, she doesn't dare to say it out loud but when Mari calls them the lesbian alliance of Nissen she smiles really big. Lesbian is not a bad word, she thinks for herself. When she got invited to Mari’s apartment for the first time for tea she found out that Mari’s girlfriend is Iben. Iben who fought Eva for kissing Christoffer in their first year of high school. Iben is bisexual and when they talk about boys Noora starts to see that in comparison to Iben’s genuine attraction to boys, hers isn’t. Iben talks about how before she met Mari she would see boys she wanted to kiss because she liked the way they looked. It makes noora feel validated to be able to sort out the compulsory heterosexuality she has felt and realize that she can still be a lesbian. Because really, not liking being kissed by your boyfriend and crying when you think about having sex with him isn’t really heterosexual behaviour. osh noora how did you ever think you were straight? she sighs at herself. 

She’s having a study date with Eva in her room at the flat. Eva has been trying to get Noora to let her out of doing the Spanish writing assignment for almost half an hour now. Noora is a tough girl though, she won’t give up until Eva has written something that will atleast make her pass the class. “Okay Eva, if you’re so bored, you can translate this instead,” Noora says and leans forward over Evas notebook and writes _Creo que me gustan las chicas como más que amigas with her pink fine liner. Looking at Eva trying to translate the sentence is excruciating because she can almost see the wheels turning in Eva’s head. When Eva looks up at her again saying, “Does this say what I think it says?” Noora nods. She can see Eva smile and Noora’s whole body unwinds. Eva grabs ahold of Noora’s paper of cleanly written Chemistry notes. If it was anyone else in the world Noora would have panicked, but when Eva writes with her pen Noora smiles. Noora sees Eva thinking hard about every word she writes and when she gets the paper back it says, _yo creer me gustan ambos las chicas y los chicos and the Spanish isn’t the best but Noora feels like she could burst with happiness at any moment. The assignment lays unfinished on Eva’s desk when they start talking about how they knew and for the first time ever Noora says the words, “I think I’m a lesbian” out loud and Eva still looks at Noora the exact same way. Even though she doesn't want to admit she ever thought it wouldn’t be okay it’s a huge weight lifted off her shoulders.__

____

After Eva there’s Eskild, Noora is practically out to Eskild but ever since she started calling herself a lesbian she has started loving using the word to describe herself and she wants Eskild to know. Eskild just hugs her and she thinks about how she used to wish they both were straight just so they could date. It was a really gross wish she thinks now, boys are truly gross. Her self doubt doesn't magically disappear and at times she still wonders about her identity but she’s miles from where she used to be. It’s another part of herself she’s learned to love and while they’re lying in Eskild’s bed and he’s braiding her hair she sends her silent thanks to Mari and Iben for being there for her. They don’t meet up as often because Mari has her exams right now and she’s studying a lot which makes Noora a little sad but also she’s happy Mari is gonna do so well on her exams. Noora falls asleep on Eskild’s shoulder and she wakes up with 8 small braids in her hair in his bed. She can hear him making coffee in the kitchen. She allows herself to sink into Eskild’s bed for a moment longer until she gets up and Eskild hands her her Star Wars mug filled with tea when she steps in the kitchen even though she knows he only drinks coffee. 

____

Noora’s life moves pretty smoothly after she figures out she’s a lesbian. Mari takes her to a gay bar and even though she doesn't drink she can try and flirt with girls and it only takes a nice girl smiling at her for Noora to feel more attraction than she ever did for any boy. The word lesbian takes a lot of time to be completely comfortable with but the more she uses it, the more she loves it and all things lesbian. She and Eva watch One Day at a Time together and she can finally see all the closeted lesbians in all her tv shows. On Saturdays there is standing lunch at Mari and Iben’s place as many times as they can. They talk about how far Noora has come and Mari helps her with her homework and teases her about pretty girls and Noora has never ever smiled as big in her life. 

____

One time Eva arrives at Noora’s flat looking even more excited than she usually is to watch One Day at a Time and as soon as Noora sits down on her bed opening Netflix Eva pulls a little package out of her pocket and hands it to Noora. She looks at it and then to Eva who’s looking almost a little nervous and saying, “Come on, open it!!”. When the paper is off Noora is holding a little lesbian pride flag pin in her hand. Noora thinks she has never seen anything more beautiful. Instead Eva pulls her out of her trance and anxiously says, “You don’t have to wear it, I was just browsing ebay one night and I thought of you when i saw it. I even asked Mari if she thought you’d like it.” But Noora pins it on her cardigan and smiles instead. 

____

“Eva, I love it. I’m gonna pin it on my jacket later. Thank you so much, it’s beautiful.” And Eva smiles relieved back at her.

____

**Author's Note:**

> SO !! this was a ride god. If you wanna talk about anything in this fic hit me up on tumblr, @nooralikesgirls. I wanna thank @lesbianvilde for letting me yell at her on her skype and betaing my messy writing, as she said "Betas help writers seem human". I also wanna thank @nooradeserved better for basically the same things !! Thanks for looking over my incredibly messy writing. Plus like the entire skamwlwnet you all helped me so much
> 
> This is written from my own experiences as a lesbian and my own interpertation of Noora and her character, if you wanna talk more about lesbian Noora my tumblr inbox is always open for you!!


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